I am going to try something new in therapy along side of working with my anger and I think it's going to be a very important tool going forward in working with the anger and emotions I have. I bought a pack of index cards and some colored pencils and decided to work on a project that will help me with lies messages from my past vs new messages.
I will write down with my left hand (the child part inside) what old messages I hear from my past, and with my right hand I will write down what I believe and what i struggle with, and on the back I will find a way to write the new messages - which will take some work and healing.
What I was told: "No one will ever believe you"
What I hear myself saying: "I am not heard or believed in"
Replacing it with a new healthy message: "I am heard, loved and cared for no matter what I say, my voice is important"
It's definitely something that will take some time to reverse old messages of the past, because you can write them out, but the healing part is to "BELIEVE" it.
That is where the healing work is. I can write words of hope, I can write what I wish, I can write what I want to feel, but none of those words will matter until I truly believe and accept them as they are.
Writing these messages on the index cards will be a way for me to "write the new messages" and "find belief in each one".
I will make them into a book, and take them with me into session and each time we work with anger or emotions, I will look at each old message when I begin to have doubt and look at the new message and be in reminder that "I am worthy" "I am heard" "my emotions are welcomed".
One of the things I struggle with the most and my therapist will completely agree with this .. I struggle with hearing old messages from the past. I am constantly having a battle between what I want to believe in myself to what I hear from the past.
My therapist calls it "the blessing and the curse" of being intuitive. He says "I wish I could just go inside your head and change all those old beliefs and push out all the lies you were told".
More examples of that - one part of me will accept support, the other part of me will struggle with the fear of dependence. I will hear "you are too much, you are too much work for other people, no one will ever support you".. or I will be told "Your emotions are so welcomed and so okay" and the other part of me hears "your emotions make you a bad person, you are a bad person, don't cry, that makes you weak and unworthy".
Welcome to my everyday battle. It's a constant battle and it gets in the way of my healing. My thoughts are counter-intuitive.. I know the old messages are wrong, but I believe them anyways because of how drilled they were into my head as a child.
Since we are taking new steps towards working with the anger, I need to find a way to sit with the old messages and create new truth and believe in it. Because I think that if I find a way to practice self-love and belief, I will accept my anger and emotions to the point of being able to feel worthy enough of talking about them.
I am a hands on person. I have so many little projects in my therapy room. I have my healing box, I have my timeline book that my therapist and I started working on. I have the healing coloring book that we have not started yet. I have journals of good words and all kinds of things, and this is another part of what I can do that is a reminder of who I am and why I am here in this big world.
I think this is going to be my biggest challenge yet, not only to write the words and believe in them, but to use them in the "anger work" of my healing. I think its going to be crucial to allow myself to see those messages in my anger and big emotions.
Knowing me I will find a way to make them look pretty and inviting .. make them with a hole punch and put a pretty ribbon around it and find some art to put all over it ... make it look safe and inviting to look at those messages and feel good about acceptance.
I think this is going to be a great step towards the big work I have laid out in front of me - I am creating the map to the NEW PATH we are about to take.