I saw this amazing quote in this book I just started reading today, and it literally stopped me in my tracks of reading and inspired me to write in my blog today The quote is by Mary DeMuth in her book called "Not Marked"
“an untold story never heals, it just festers inside and hurts the people you love most because you can’t help but act differently when that story is contained inside you. It materializes in your actions, attitudes and the fearful way you live your life. Its like trying to submerge a basketball in a swimming pool, You can do it for a period of time, but you cannot sustain it. Eventually the ball surfaces, usually by hurtling into the air with dramatic flourish”
As a child, silence was the survival to living day-to-day, moment to moment. Threats were put against me that if I spoke about any of the un-ruling things going on, that i would be sent away to a home where more abuse would happen.
So as I sit here writing this blog, I am thinking about who I am today. I am a mom of 3 beautiful boys. I am an adult over 40, I am married to a wonderful man for 22 years this year, so why is it that silence still holds so much power over me? why do I have to fight to push through the walls of silence? I am an adult, I should know that those lies from the past "don't tell or else" are just words, so why is it so hard today as an adult to still push through those old messages of silence?
I am baffled! As a child we don't know any better. We hear the stories of the consequences and immediately we abide to the rules given. Today as the adult why can I not push through the silence when the truth feels so BIG?
I have 3 boys and I would never imagine telling my children to hold in their thoughts and emotions, in fact I would tell them "don't fear opening up about anything, you have love, care and support and your truth is welcomed no matter what it is".
But I try to turn that to myself and there is fear behind it - a GREAT fear.
Another quote from the book that struck me - "Or perhaps the fear of what will happen in the aftermath of our telling is far too great. We cannot see freedom because fear looms larger".
I have told a lot of truth in therapy for the past 7 years, but there is still that underlining fear when something inside feels so big, and I have yet to really come to fully understanding what that fear is. Why do I still hear those old messages "if you tell, consequences will be paid".
I am sure a lot of people who lived a past of abuse struggle with this just as much as I do, and it frustrates me that a lie can hold so much power over the truth. How can the people of my past who hurt me have the power today to still silence me out of great fear? how do we uncage the truth with no fear or shame?
I think there has to be an internal healing that only we can un-cage ourselves. We can read about it, we can be told about it, we can be assured that our truth is okay and honored no matter how big it is - but unless we truly allow ourselves to believe that our truth is okay to be heard, those old messages will always win.
To this very day when I am holding something big inside I am overwhelmed with a shaking fear of what will be on the other side of being open.
Sometimes I will literally get cold and shake when I really need to be open about something, and it takes a lot of work to get myself to the place of being able to open up about what is here. It makes me angry to think that the abuse from the past still has power over me today.
This year has been about finding ways to "uncage the truth". Finding ways to be open without shame or fear.
The quotes I read from the book today inspired me to work even harder towards this, because there are things inside of me that I am tired of holding onto. I want to be free from all that holds me back, and I am tired of living in the fear they put upon me from my past. I am tired of living the life according to my abusers even though I know today I am safe, cared for and supported.
I wonder how we can un-cage the truth of our past and find freedom instead of fear. I'm not there yet, but someday I will have that power over my past to stand and say "this is how I feel, and I no longer fear what is on the other side".
That is my hope.