Yesterday after I came home from a hard but good session I sat and wrote out all my feelings and thoughts no matter how big, scary or truthful they were - never did I imagine that I would later send those feelings and thoughts to my therapist to read and hold. I sat and wrote for 3 hours, and I never once backtracked, deleted, filtered or even thought about what it was I was writing. I knew this was going to be an important part of my healing, I knew that this was one of those moments where vulnerability and risk was going to be another step to healing.
I told my therapist about it and he was eager for me to send it, he told me he would read it and send me a small email to let me know his thoughts and that we would sit with it in session.
As the night went on, my heart started to race thinking about all the vulnerable things I shared and wrote and how those very thoughts, feelings and truth were in the hands / eyes of another person; things I held onto for a very long time.
I laid in bed and heard my email chime from my therapist, and instead of picking up the laptop to read his response, I turned over, covered up and went to bed.
I was petrified to see his response even though deep inside I knew it was going to be nothing short of supportive, loving and caring - but something about the vulnerability in someone else knowing very deep wounded thoughts scared me.
I woke up at 4am looking up at the ceiling and my heart raced again because I remember "oh SHIT" as I panicked again at the thought of what I had written and sent, and my thoughts were "oh my god I can't believe I put that out there to be seen and known!". I rolled back over and went back to sleep till 6 and when I got up, it was then I had the courage to read my therapist response and of course it was nothing short of supportive, caring, and gentle! He was a cheerleader telling me how proud and honored he was!
The thing is, I knew that would be his reaction so why was it so hard to look at his response? I don't think it had anything to do with his response, it was about how I felt about myself and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be with my truth and pain.
I realized in that moment while reading his response, and re-reading my BIG TRUTH that this is the vulnerability that heals, because now it has a name - NOW those things once sealed are out in the air to be freed.
The truth and pain I hold has a name, and when we give something a name, it has less power over us.
My vulnerability and risk opened a door that was closed, and it's yet another step on this path I am on, I just didn't realize the magnitude of it until I saw how really SCARED i was to see someone's response to my vulnerability. It had nothing to do with Andy my therapist .. it had nothing to do with the content, it had everything to do with how I feel about myself in this vulnerability.
Every time I hit submit on my blog writing is a step into vulnerability an another step into healing. There is this quote I love, and it truly is a part of me and my healing path and that is: "writing is a struggle against silence", and for me that is so true! I started writing when I was 5 years old using my vulnerability to move past and through the abuse I endured as a child.
My writing that 3 hours of truth last night was just the first step .. now we have to talk about - I have to talk about it. We can give something a name, but we need to get to know it as well. There is healing to be done in that vulnerability and it's not until I get to know that vulnerability will I find healing. I can't just give something a name and expect those feelings and scars to fade - this was only half the battle, but it was the most important step of the battle - the FIRST step into vulnerability and into the steps of knowing and healing.
When you step into vulnerability you also give shame less power as well.
I have this box, this little box inside of me that holds all the lies and the messages I was told as a child, and every-time I sit with that vulnerability like I did yesterday, I am slowly emptying that box of its ugly content and giving it a new message - a new truth. It's a process that takes time, and it can be painful at times.
I wont lie, I am scared to talk about what I wrote, because now it's known, and now I face the person who has read my vulnerability .. NOW there is a name to some of the things I hold, and now there is healing to be done.
I don't know what caused me to go home and write for 3 hours, but I like to think those moments are the younger child inside of me wanting to play and give voice to the little things she has been holding all this time and it just wants a place to rest.
Vulnerability is scary, and risky and maybe holds a little shame, but Its the many little steps forward needed to healing