It's been a while since I have last written and I have to say I have missed it! I always feel this sense of "something missing" when I don't write and this morning I decided to write before my day got busy. Last week was a week of ups and downs and all around! My state of Georgia got hit with a surprise snow/ice storm that left me and my family scrambling for normalcy.
The snow storm started Tuesday while I was in my 2 hour therapy session. My therapist and I looked out the window together and saw that the snow was really collecting on the road, which is kinda rare for Georgia.
We were only supposed to get a dusting of flurries which turned out to be the winter storm of 2014 that everyone is still talking about.
I left session and immediately texted my therapist telling him that it was bad and I didn't know how I was going to get home. I then called my husband and he told me to put the truck in 4 wheel drive and just take it slow the whole way home.
It took me 6 hours to get home on a trip that normally takes me 15 minutes. My therapist texted me to keep me grounded as I was getting panicked and feeling trapped! My husband called and talked me through it in tough times.
I learned a lot about where my anxiety comes from in "the feelings of being trapped" and because of this 6 hour trip home it kicked up some old childhood feelings that I am really paying attention to now.
As I sat there in the car I was witnessing car after car slamming into each other and all I could do was just hold the wheel and PRAY! I cried the last hour home because it was then I found out that my youngest son (15) was going to be trapped at the school and he could not get home.
When I got home from my long exhausting trip, I had to park the car a mile from the house and walk it because we live on hills and I knew that in order for us to get out to the road, we would have to park it and walk.. and not only walk it, but I had to walk the HILL from HELL in our sub-division which is so steep you could cliff hang off it. Yes we call it the "Hill From Hell" .. no explanation needed.
By the time I got home I just sat on the floor in the bathroom and CRIED as I peeled the wet clothes off me from trekking up the big hill! I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I was so upset that I could not get to my son who was stuck at the school.
My therapist called me later on and managed to help me get grounded. I talked about where these old feelings come from and believe it or not, I managed to get myself out of the old messages and feelings and got big and pulled myself together for the family.
My youngest son Nathan had to sleep at the school Tuesday night with about 150 other students. I was sad the whole night and couldn't sleep. When things like this happen I like my whole family together.
The next morning (Wednesday morning) my husband and I bundled up and trekked out to walk to the car and went and got my son from school and it was the best feeling in the world to see my son after not having him with me all night.
Driving around that morning was like a GHOST town, but it was nice after the chaos I went through the day before.
The next day on Thursday I went back to session but still had to walk a mile to my car as the hills in our neighborhood were still ICED over! I got 3 days of a good workout but pulled my knee in the process.
As i am sitting here now on Monday morning reflecting back, the snow is melted and it's 60 degree's. Life is back to normal and it makes me think about all those old familiar feelings when I was little of being "trapped" and "kept". Out of every situation comes a lesson or wisdom to learn.
I look back on last week and realize the many inconveniences, but I also saw the opportunities like: learning how to ground myself in a very hard trigger from the past. Spending quality time with the family because the weather forced us to. Taking long walks in the snow to our car with my husband which gave us time to reflect on time spent together. Learning to lean in towards my support when I needed support in that 6 hour drive of chaos and fear.
I learned where these big feelings came from and how that will be a part of my work going forward because those big feelings of being trapped is an abuse trigger that needs healing.
It's amazing how well we adapt to our routines and sense of self, and when one thing rocks the foundation, it throws us into a frenzy and brings out all kinds of old feelings and emotions, and now that I look back on this, I am glad it happened.
I'm not happy that my son had to spend the night in school, or watching the news seeing kids bring stranded on buses at 5am in the snow .. but I am reflecting on those 4 days in a way to learn and heal from it.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about the past 4 days last week and it brought more connection to understanding, and when we understand something, it heals the unknown.
I missed writing in the past week, but it was a week that needed my silence, and it surely gave me something to write about.