It has been a very hard 7 days for me. I have struggled with severe detachment from my emotions, my feelings, my voice, and my sense of self. Its not often that I feel this way, in fact I haven't felt this way since I started therapy, when I didn't know how to touch my feelings or even talk about them.
There is a difference between feeling disconnected and feeling detached. Feeling disconnected there are still emotions felt even though I run and hide. I still feel a sense of all that is around me when I am disconnected, but when I feel detached like I have been feeling, I feel numb and not present with anything inside.
Its a horrible feeling because I don't know how to talk about it. I don't feel anything and the weight of silence is like a paperweight to all that is sitting inside trying to find a way out.
I have looked back on this past week and have felt so frustrated trying to pin-point what happened to cause this, or what it is I can do to fix it... and then last night it came to me - it came to me through a hidden painful memory of my childhood. It was a memory about boxed up emotions that I refuse to face even though I know they are there.
It's one thing to see and know, it's another to face and accept what is deep inside.
I have feelings inside that are stuck under a paperweight of lies and old messages. Those messages being that if I feel how I feel, or talk about how I feel, people will shut me out, abandon me, or think down on me because I am not strong. If I don't find empowerment over these feelings, I am not worthy enough of being supported.
I look back on the past 2 years I had (especially this past year) and I realize that I still hold so much pain around something that has continued to happen. I am still being violated and watched at times and I don't know how to let it be okay that it still hurts and scares me, that it still makes me sad and angry and all the emotions that come with being a victim of violation and being watched.
There are not too many people that know that this "situation" is still going on, because I have hidden behind my strength. I have hidden behind the notion that if I am strong and don't show people how I feel, I will be accepted and supported.
I fear showing how I really feel in fear that I will be left a lone it in, so if I just stay strong, I have people leaning into my strength and not my weakness.
When I was 7 years old we were at my aunts house for Christmas Eve like we did every year. I was in the family room and I was playing with their Doberman Pincher dog and I accidentally kneeled on his paw really hard, well the dog BIT me in the head, took a huge deep bite out of the top part of my head.
I walked into the kitchen where everyone was talking and I was holding my head and blood was pouring out of my head, down my arms, on my face - I knew something had happened.
I looked over at my mom and she started to scream! She was pacing the floor and yelling for help! Everyone jumped up from their seat and began calling 911! My mom wouldn't even come near me. My father was SO angry that the dog bit me that he didn't even stop to care for me as I stood there with blood pooling from my head.
I stood there in the middle of the kitchen as I watched chaos happening all around me, yet I was the one that was hurt.
911 was called and all I could think about was my moms reaction and how much I had scared her and how angry this made my father. I didn't feel the pain from the bite, I felt the emotions I had caused my family and how this ruined Christmas Eve for everyone.
I got 14 stitches in my head and never once did I complain about the pain I felt. I was too afraid to even speak of the pain I felt.
My whole childhood was much like that moment. When I was sick or didn't feel well I was afraid to tell people how I felt. I didn't know how to not be okay without feeling as if I was going to be abandoned in my feelings and emotions. I feared telling my parents when I was sick or didn't feel well, sad, angry, hurting or whatever it was I was feeling.
I was silenced in the sexual abuse! I was silenced in the physical abuse and I was silenced to my own feelings and emotions, and today I don't know how to let it be okay that I feel the emotions I feel inside in fear that it makes me weak or unworthy of being loved and cared for.
I fear making others feels bad. I fear being abandoned when I am not strong enough - so I stay strong so people will accept me. I fight to make it easier for others to support me - when in real, I am hurting inside.
This past year has been much like my childhood and I don't know how to let it be okay that I am holding all these feelings inside and to ask for help or support. I don't know how to let it be okay that I am so angry and hurt inside that I am still a part of being watched and violated, and there is nothing that can be done about it.
I have this big hole inside that is filled with hurt and I don't know how to talk about it. I feel that I am still that young little girl standing in the middle of the kitchen holding my head in pain trying to protect all those around me.
I have been working SO hard this past year to overcome, that I have created this paperweight inside to how I really feel.
So here I am .. I have pushed my feelings away so much that I have detached myself completely. I have tried being strong. I have tried finding empowerment over it! I have tried all that I know to show others that I can get through this and I can't do it.
I have tried so hard to overcome that I managed to detach myself completely from how I really feel.
I have come to realize that I am the one standing in the middle of the room bleeding and I can't help others - I have to help me and the young scared little girl who believes she is only worthy when she is strong by protecting others.
Sometimes when I feel so overwhelmed by my own emotions, I detach from them because I don't know how to be with them, be with them around others, or to talk about it. I don't know how to find myself worthy in the hard, sad, angry or hurt.
I think this past 7 days has been about finally realizing that I have big emotions and they can't be covered by overcoming or being strong and that scared me.
So here I am, standing in the middle of the room ... I feel sad, hurt scared, angry and unsure and maybe I am worthy of being seen just how I feel in this moment, and maybe I can allow others to care for me, instead of me taking care of others.
I am angry that I am still a victim of something that hurts and makes me feel scared, and I am leaning in and letting it be okay to be supported in this for me and the young little girl standing in a room only wanting to be cared for and loved.