Today as I sat in session next to my therapist, I said to him in the most serious, sincere, no walls, fear or weight kind of way: "I really want this new year to be so different from this past year" and he said to me "we are already here Karen, the door is open, we just need to find a way to step through it into the good good work ahead of us".
I think the door is there and it's wide open, it was just hard to see this year, or maybe I could see it, but was afraid to step through it? Maybe it's both.
Before session ended my therapist and I hugged in a prayer about ending a hard year but walking into a new year and it was beautiful. He gives the most beautiful prayers, and this prayer just really made a good ending to a hard year, and a good start to the new year in my healing on this path I have been on
I look back on this year and I wish it could have been different, but maybe just like my blog writing yesterday, maybe it's not about changing what this year was, but learning from it, or growing from the hardness it served.
When I used to body build and train with a trainer a couple of years ago, I remember I would have tears through the weight lifting portion part of the workout. I would cuss and get so angry because it was so hard and painful to do.
But every day I showed up to train, I got a bit stronger even though it was painful - tearfully painful. Every day I showed up, I could lift a little more than the day before. The days I would sit there with tears and say to my trainer "I can't do it, I just cannot do it" but I did it, and not only did I do it, but I did more than the day before.
When things got hard this year I said many times "I just don't think I can do this anymore, I just cannot move through any more hardness" .. and yet here I am, sitting at the end of the year and I am stronger than I was just a months ago. I am closer to the door I thought wasn't there.
So maybe there was something about this year that needed space for the pain to heal a part of me that I never would look at before? I am not saying by any means that this year was justified, because honestly, NO it wasn't.. it didn't have to be this way, but it did and I can only use it as strength going forward. I can use it as the foothold before the door.
There are some very important people in my life that walked with me through this challenging year, and no matter how hard it got, those people stuck by me, even when I (at times) pushed them away.
There were times I wanted to give up therapy and the hard work I do, but my therapist stuck by me, didn't let me lose sight of the hope and the good work we do. He didn't let me give up, and I didn't give up on me. I am here and ready to keep walking this amazing path.
So, as I sit here tonight looking towards the new year, I am thinking of the goodness we talked about today in session. I am thinking of the door in front of me, and the hands reaching out towards connection.
I am looking towards using this past year as a footing, not the path, but the footing to walk towards the path.
I also haven't forgotten the good things that came from this past year like my new role as a CASA (Court Appointed Child Advocate) .. I am blessed that in this hard year I was able to focus forward on something that really defines who I am.
What can you look back on this past year that you can use as footing to the new year? have you faced some challenging painful things this year that made you stronger to take that step towards or through the door into the new year?
I just want to say to all my readers.. I am blessed for you all! because even in the hard times this past year when I took my blog down, or thought I couldn't write any longer, I persevered through the goodness of the people who support me here - so THANK YOU for giving me a reason to keep fighting!
Thank you to my family and friends and my amazing therapist who showed me the hope when it was faded or even gone at times. I look forward to the good healing work ahead in therapy with my therapist, with my friends who I hope to spend more time with, the new CASA job, the new writing, the new many journeys ahead.
So, lets take a step through the door - into the new year and lean on the goodness and the grace that is right here in front of us. Lets remember that anytime we come up against the hard, lets use it as footing and not let it define us or the path in front of us.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!