Since I began this healing journey almost 7 years ago I wanted to "change" how I felt and fix the bad feelings that kept me from being who I wanted to be. I just wanted to feel better now, no matter what I had to do or how I found ways to push away the emotions that came with feeling better.
I fear emotions like anger and sadness. I couldn't deal with the un-known or being confused! if I felt bad, I had to have to have an answer right away because how it felt - I couldn't handle feeling it - and still feel that way today. I fear feeling.
I once used pain pills to silence my emotions by using them as a way to flush out the bad feelings inside that the hard work of healing brought on instead of me.
I isolated myself from the bad feelings this past year brought me. I pushed people away because it was easier being alone than to let people see what was really here.
A huge part of my healing path has been about trying to make this moment feel better right now instead of learning how to be with what is here that heals deeper wounds.
I realized something in the past week during this Christmas break.. maybe healing is not about making something feel better, but rather learning how to be in the feelings that are here. Instead of trying to change the feelings, maybe there is healing to be found in allowing the feelings to heal ME.
It was a pretty scary feeling when I came to this realization, because I spent 40+ years running from my emotions, trying to find ways to go around them, cover them, and hide them and it worked, but did it heal me? no, not even close.
Today after I had a really good session, I went and did something putting myself first and I found out something that was really hard, and it made me feel numb and tears came and I felt angry and sad ... but as I sat there in the car feeling, I actually felt myself being numb, and then I felt what the feelings were.
I felt the tears, I felt the sadness, I understood why I felt the way I did, and for the first time I felt I had a right to feel the way I did.
My heart was hurting about something I had anticipated today and instead of running from the feelings trying to make that moment feel better, I sat in it and tried to heal IN the moment instead of outside the moment.
I reached out to my therapist and left a voicemail not hiding my tears, but telling him how I felt about something I took a risk around. It was met with support back from him telling me "You have a right to feel the way you do, and you have my support and care". I wasn't pushed away - rather I was met in those feelings I try so hard to FIX or cover up.
I came to realize this past week that whatever I am feeling, there is a story and reason behind it, and even though I absolutely hate emotions; maybe it's time for me to embrace those little bits of information telling me these emotions are here to be felt not pushed away.
It wasn't easy sitting in the car today feeling the tears, feeling the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the anger .. my first instinct was "OMG HOW DO I FIX THIS RIGHT NOW?!!" but then I sat there crying saying "no, there is no fix to this, this is how I feel, and maybe if I just let myself cry, be angry and feel the way this feels, maybe that is where the healing begins. maybe that is how we feel better.
I know it will take time to embrace this theory because for 40+ years I have lived with the belief that emotions were the enemy and my strength was the healer.
I always believed that in order to be accepted by people and connected to people - I had to be strong and brave. I had to always figure it out and have all the answers in order to be loved and cared for and supported. I believed that people loved me more when I was strong, or supported me more if I had it all figured out.
My therapist always tells me "you don't have to be strong, you are supported and accepted just as you are" .. and I have been too scared to believe in that.
I am hurt and sad that today I took a risk around something that could have made me feel good inside around something I have dealt with for a whole year and it didn't turn out the way I hoped and I was SO hurt - so hurt that I drove around for 2 hours crying and have no idea where I went, and maybe that is what I needed.
Maybe this is how I heal - by letting the emotions heal me, instead of me healing the emotions.