I know that I have been on the quiet side in the past week or so, but it has been the kind of quiet where I needed some space to really move through some things internally that required my utmost attention to self. I needed some time to reflect and work hard on the things inside to bring me to the connection on the outside.
Looking back on this year this has been an incredibly challenging year for me on so many levels.
I spent a good portion of the year isolated from the people and things that I love the most because of a situation that happened the whole year before and going into the new year.
My past was triggered and forced to the forefront this year and it shook the foundation of my healing so much that I withdrew and had a hard time telling the difference between then and now.
BUT, I also have worked through many many things this year that were also empowering like getting my certification as a CASA and many other good things that came out of the hard. I have learned more about myself this year being in the place I was - even in the isolation.
My therapist and I have worked incredibly hard this year and some of those times were very trying and hard, but most of the time we stuck by each others side and fought for the almost 7 years that we have worked together.
We have been challenged on so many levels, and there were times I just wasn't sure if I could do it anymore - but the path always lead to connection and grace and my therapist and I always stuck it out, showed up, supported, connected, and the main empowerment being "we can talk about anything".
I came to a conclusion over this past weekend while I was in deep prayer that I am NO LONGER going to allow another person or situation from the past define who I am. I am never going to let anything have empowerment over the things that mean so much to me.
When I was faced with a situation that happened to me around another person I let it isolate me by taking me out and away from the people and things I love like friends, church, time with people I love to spend time with. I isolated to the couch and stopped sleeping in my bed for a whole year. I let it change who I was and the things I do that make me who I am.
I decided over prayer this weekend that right now is the most important moment we have. last year doesn't matter, this year doesn't define me.. right here and right now is what I have in front of me and I am no longer going to move away from the things that matter most to me.
I went to session today and my therapist and I had the best 2 hour talk we have had in 6 1/2 years. We put everything out on the table and really spoke with truth, honesty and grace. There were moments of connection and hand holding and truly being in the now and saying "we are starting a new".. we are not starting over, we are starting a new on a new journey.
There are some things that I need to heal internally - the young part and many things from my past that were brought to the surface over the past 2 years and I have accepted that and I am ready to heal in ways I have never healed before.
My therapist and I are very excited about this new path ahead of us and our work, but before we take this new path, we are taking our sessions this week and we are reconnecting, re-bonding, repairing any rupture that is left over from the past 2 years of hardness we went through. We are starting a-new and making a new bond and a new connection. I am exciting typing this!
I am getting to know my therapist on a new level even though we have been working together almost 7 years now and that is exciting.
There was a shift in me this past weekend and I felt it. Its one of those things that you can't really explain it, its only something that can be felt.
My therapist sat and talked about the first time we talked to each other 6 1/2 years ago and how the relationship built from then until now and how much I have healed and moved through so much, and this will be yet another movement towards me and the healing to be done going forward.
I am scared and excited at the same time. Sometimes there is a lot to be learned through the hard. It may not be the easiest way to learn something and even painful at times, but its the most effective way in coming out to the other side stronger.