Since I was very little I often wondered what my purpose was in this big world that God created me to be in. Was I going to be a beautiful singer like "Olivia Newton John"? or was I going to be a famous ballet dancer like Margot Fonteyn? Was I going to be a care-taker nurse or Doctor.
I thought about it often and through the years of childhood, into my teens and adulthood I have done many things, but I still had no idea what God intended for me.
Yesterday in session my therapist and I had such a great connecting talk and I opened up to him about something that I struggled with as a child and still struggle with as an adult and that is "my voice".
I was a very quiet child and today even as an adult, there are parts of me that still live in silence.
I still struggle to use my voice when it needs to be used. I still struggle with my ability to really talk about things that need room to be heard and it weighs heavily on me at times; especially when it causes emotions to sit inside that I also fear being seen.
I hold conversations inside with people who I want to talk to, or things I want to talk to them about - and I let them go if I don't feel worthy or connected enough to be heard.
As a child I used to write small notes and put them in my fathers wallet before he left for work, or left them in my moms purse so she would see it later without me having to actually say it to her. I even used to leave notes for my teachers but never signed my name hoping they would know it was me.
Today, I will write emails, letters, and or text messages but never send them. Most of the time they get deleted and the thoughts and feelings just disappear and never get seen. I wonder if those moments are the moments that cause 2 O'clock - feelings and thoughts held with no escape.
Telling my therapist about this really surprised me as I have never told anyone about this struggle of mine. It stirred something up inside of me. It brought up old feelings and made me realize just how much I hold inside.
I wonder where these thoughts go once I let them go, I often wonder what would happen if these thoughts and feelings were put out there where they belong, would it be so horrible? what am I afraid of? I wonder.
I just got certified as a CASA - a Court Appointed Child Advocate! a VOICE for a child! standing up for a child who doesn't have a voice to speak for his or her rights! How could god give me a purpose in life that I myself still struggle with? or maybe this is why God gave me this gift and purpose.
Maybe this will encourage me to use my own voice and really open up about what is here and not let those thoughts dissolve away.
I think yesterdays session in letting my therapist know something I really struggle with was the beginning of giving myself the voice I never had; to give room to all those conversations that I wish I could have with people, and let those thoughts be heard.
I think the challenge is not just about using my voice to the things that I can't say, but more about the feeling worthy enough of being heard and the emotions tied behind them.
I am a quiet person by nature, but the inside of me is loud and big, and I wish I could express those thoughts and emotions at times. I wonder where it would take me, who I would talk to or what words would come out.
Silence was the only choice I had as a child, and that really stuck with me even as an adult today. Words and feelings were shut down by fear, and so I closed it down, kept it inside, and held those thoughts and conversations inside until they went away - or maybe they never went away and that is why I suffer and struggle the way I do today. Maybe those thoughts even as a child still need to be heard!
I think about my new role as a Child Advocate and it completely gives me the role I have been afraid of my whole life, and I wonder how much this will help me heal around my own silence today. I wonder how much this will help my own healing journey in helping me give voice to all the things that stir inside without a place to be heard or seen.
My therapist said to me yesterday that there was a reason this came out the way it did. Maybe it was time to be heard and known. Maybe its time all parts of me are heard and seen.