The past week has been about big connection, being in the hear and now, and re-finding my ground to my faith by moving out of the isolation I have been in for a year now. It's not often that there is a celebration in session, in fact we work so hard that sometimes the goodness gets rolled right in with the hard and it's shuffled around and even sometimes over-looked.
Growing up I didn't know what it was like to celebrate in something that was surrounded by goodness.
I wasn't praised or made a big deal of. I didn't know what it was like for someone to make a big deal out of something I had done good. A lot of my goodness growing up was overlooked or overshadowed!
So today when something good does happen, I tend to shy away from the goodness only expecting myself to work harder than ever and not allowing myself to embrace the goodness and grace already here.
last night my therapist checked in later on by phone and we talked about the goodness and hard work I have done in the past week and how that deserved a celebration.
He said "tomorrow we are going to show up BIG in session" he said "1, 2, 3, BIG!" I laughed and I didn't quite understand what that would look like.
It looks like showing up to session today having big energy and expecting to celebrate the good hard week of connection. We show up big being open to talk about anything! I understood what he meant, but I tossed and turned about it all night!
I woke up this morning and was unsure how the session would be ... "what can big look like? how can I make my energy big and what will his energy look like big?"
I started to become unsure and hesitant, I started to get nervous about it! Will I be shy about it? embarrassed? what will big look like, will I be able to show up big?
I got to session and Andy stepped out of his office, looked at me sitting in the waiting room and said "I have BIGGGGG energy" and started to chuckle! He was being a goof, I had nothing to fear!
Showing up big meant we both show up and just be who we are!We talk about the good work that has been done in the past week and not let it get lost in the shuffle of the hard work I do - so we did just that!
I was welcomed with a big hug! his energy was very big and we talked by being present, open and complimentary of each other. We talked about me walking into church. We talked about the good connection that we had over thanksgiving break and how great that was. We talked about the good work going forward and how this good connection is a good foundation moving into the work of the young part.
That is what big was!
... and showing up big also meant having some emotions that I did not know would show up the way they did. He reflected on the emotions I hold inside deep inside that I never let out. He talked about how to honor my emotions and embrace them .. and in that reflection I had tears unexpected! I had tears today in the day we were supposed to be big! I even said the words to my therapist "I hate you!" and he said "yeah I know, but I also know that's not true".
he's right, I don't hate him.. it's the emotions I hate! but they needed room in the bigness of the day as well.
Being big doesn't just mean being in goodness, it also means honoring whatever is here, and that can be in form of joy, happiness, celebration and even tears!
I learned today that just because I had tears, doesn't mean I am disconnected, it means the opposite - I was FULLY present and FULLY connected - even in the bigness of the session.
I didn't expect to have tears leaving session, in fact, at first, I was pretty pissed off until I realized that even in the sadness of the tears, that is showing up BIG just as much as showing up in celebration! it's a celebration in another form.
So, I sit here this afternoon and I am big! My energy is big not just because I showed up to session to create big energy around something that was so great last week, but in also honoring the young part inside of me that holds onto all these emotions that I never allow myself to embrace.
it also made room for more inside of me to be open about things that need room to be heard and seen, and I would have to say that is a huge form of showing up big and honoring me!
it's amazing this healing path ..... just when you think one thing, it turns out that the thing we fear the most ends up being what heals us.