grieving what you never had?

mother_grieving_nationalgeoThis weekend I read this very interesting article called "is it harder to mourn something you lost, or to mourn something you never had?" I truly believe it's harder to mourn and grieve something you never had.

When you have had something that you lost, you at least have had that "something" for a while and have created and have the memories that are surrounded around that "something".

Mourning and grieving something you never had that you should have had is painful - I know, I go through it everyday.

For years in therapy I cried on my therapists shoulder about "wanting the mom I should have had". I cried even at the thought of it.

My mom has been in bed almost my whole life. She is still in bed right now, sick, with a terminal illness. She will never walk, get out of bed, or be the mom I always needed her to be. It may not be her fault, but I still mourn the loss.

I see friends and people everyday who have great relationships with their moms and it breaks my heart every-time I see it, that is grieving. It's grieving something I wish I had, that I don't have. I don't have a relationship with my mom that I should have. I don't have the mom to call up and talk to when I need her advice, or to have coffee with and go shopping with.

I grieve having the life that some people have like being able to just be without going through a whole process just to be.

I truly believe it's harder to mourn something you never had that you should have had vs. something you lost that you loved.

I lost my Nana 16 years ago. She was my everything! My Nana was one of the few people who truly loved me unconditionally. I had a great relationship with her and I love her SO much. being in abusive home there wasn't too many people I could trust, but my Nana I trusted.

When she died I felt like a part of me died along with her, but time healed that grief and today I look back on the good memories I had with her. I have those good memories to hold onto forever in a moment, but mourning something I never had that i should have had, there is nothing to hold onto.

There are no good memories, only a continuous heartache for something I should have had like a mom, or the things I don't have that I should have because of the abuse. There is no closure to mourning something you never had.

There were times when I would be grocery shopping and I would just start crying right there in the middle of the aisle, because I saw a mom and daughter shopping together. They were laughing and giggling, and talking about the plans they had. My mom is at home in s a hospital bed in her bedroom dying. I never had those good moments with her because she has always been sick.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about having a mom and all the things I would love to do with my mom .. but my Nana, I have let her go because there was closure to that, there are good memories to hold onto because I had it, and I had it beautifully.

I will never know what its like to wake up and be a person who can just be without having to do the hard work, and everyday I wake up, that truly makes me sad - I grieve the day I can just be.

What I can do is heal, and learn to live in the sadness of those things I grieve, but the pain never goes away like it did for my Nana.

Not having the mom that I need will always hurt without closure. Maybe someday I will heal from it, but I will always carry that longing with me forever unlike the things we can let go of that hold memories in our head forever.