2 O'clock has reared its ugly head in the past 2 days and to be honest it feels like its ten times worse than it ever has been. If you don't know what 2 O'clock means, just click on the link and read my post about what 2 O'clock is. I have been living with this since I was little, and for a year I have managed to keep it at bay and cover it up along with everything else I was feeling.
They say when you are coming off being on pain medication for a long time you start to feel your pain receptors come back to life physically and you will experience pain in your body you never felt before, and the same thing happens emotionally before the body levels out back to where it was before.
I have been pumping endorphins into my body every time I felt even close to anything hard coming my way emotionally, and now that I have taken that away, I am feeling all that is here.
The Dr. told me that it takes time for the body to adjust to not having what I was giving it and like with anything it takes time and perseverance, but it's not easy - not even close to easy sometimes.
The past couple of days it has happened more at night, and maybe that is something to pay attention to.
My therapist and I are working incredibly hard to talk about the feelings I was covering for a year, but he also respects that there is a physical aspect going on with me right now as well and we don't want to push too hard - like I said, it's a process and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I am also moving towards something huge next week! Monday I get sworn into the court for my CASA. I have my last class Saturday, and then Monday we do court observation and then I get sworn in by the judge. It's going to be a huge huge day for me and my therapist and I are working hard this week to make sure we really get some of the emotionally toxins out that are getting in the way right now.
We have a good week set up this week. I am going into session on my day off Thursday so that we can really talk about what is here - what is here that I have been covering that needs a little relief or room to be heard and release.
We also made a plan for me to change my times a little. I normally go into sessions in the morning times, we decided that for the next couple of weeks we are going to have me come in later in the afternoon/evening so that maybe we can catch some of these harder moments I am going through vs the mornings that seem to be better. He thinks this will be a good way for me to be in a place where I can reach some of these hard moments and kick the butt out of them.
The mornings seem really good where later in the day I am really struggling to hold my ground. I have been craving the pain meds a little more the past couple of days, but like my husband and therapist said, that is my mind trying to push away the feelings again. If we can give name to the emotions i am trying to cover, there will be nothing to cover.
I know it will be challenging, and I know its going to take some work to get there.. but I will get there. I have gone through 6 1/2 years of hard work in therapy and I have come a long long way.. I know I can get through this if I just allow myself to lean in support, be open to the feelings that are here, and accept that my emotions deserve a space to be heard.
2 O'clock has been a hard hard thing for me my whole life, but I think a part of getting through it is honoring it instead of fighting it or hiding it. Walk with the current, not against it.
I am just blessed that I have so much support surrounding me. My husband has been amazing. My kids ask me everyday how I am doing. My therapist, well I don't even have words for him.. he is just an amazing person and has really shown up big to help me move through this. Then of course there are the people on my blog who REALLY make my heart smile when I need some hope.
One step in front of the other... I will get there.