... moving through

466da9a01f699d82a5904f41d8ee759dI am moving into day 3 of my treatment and cleansing, and I have to say it has come with many different feelings, emotions and unknowns. Going to the clinic every morning to receive my treatment has been interesting.

You walk into a room and you ring the buzzer and you tell them your number. You then take a seat somewhere in the office and wait for them to call your number, which sometimes it could take up to an hour.

You stand at a window that has bars over it because "methadone" is a very potent med and its the law that it be protected. A little intimidating for a person who has never gone through this, but I understand the logistics of how it's run.

They call your number and you go up and sign the paper and they hand you your dose and you drink it in front of them, hand them the cup and I am on my merry way until the next day.

They started me off with 40mg and told me I could go up as much as 5mg each day to my own comfort. We are allowed to go up to 60mg max. We can choose to go up or down, but it can only be in 5mg increments and you have to talk to the nurse and tell her how you are feeling. They are very thorough there.

Thursday, The first day I took it of course felt the best because I was in full withdrawals on the first day. I felt this warm feeling come over me and the whole world was true and right. Then I got DROWSY like no one's business! I went to session to Andy and it was kicking in, but it was a good kicking in, I felt no pain, and I felt a little normal.

My night went good Thursday night, I was surprised that this stuff lasted through the night. I woke up this morning and went to the clinic at 8 to get my treatment, only this time I was lethargic within the hour and could barely function.

I went to session and the moment I walked into the waiting room at therapy, I plopped on the couch and put my head into my arm and fell asleep. Andy comes out and was shocked I guess. in 6 1/2 years I have never EVER sat on the couch in the waiting room. I am always in the same chair, and very posed waiting patiently.

he gently woke me and asked me if I was okay. He saw how lethargic I was, and when I walked into my session, the couch looked OH SO GOOD!

I barely made it through session, it was hard being present when I couldn't think straight. But towards the end I started to become a little more coherent and conversation was starting to get better. We talked about the weekend and what support would look like. It was just one of those sessions that was there for support, not work.

I talked about a few things in session and Andy was excited that I was talking about things I have not talked about in such a long time. I talked about the sun-spots on his chair and how we used to sit in the sun-spots together in session. I was big and told him we needed to talk about the weekend and what support looked like. He was excited that it felt like a little bit of the OLD ME was showing up (un-medicated with pain pills).

I have to admit, I am feeling different. My head is less cloudy and my drive is a little different and I AM HUNGRY! I have not been hungry in months.

I did call the clinic and asked them why I was so drowsy and they said that was normal for someone just starting the treatment. It will taper off in a few days and before I know it, taking my meds will be like vitamins to help me through.

I will be on this for a couple of months and then taper off this treatment and be done. I have to say its working pretty well, but I am experiencing some emotional feelings.

It's hard to be in my house and not think about the times and routines of taking the meds I was on. I guess this is normal for all people who have been through this, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Everywhere I look in the house reminds me of my routine of taking meds and looking at the very things that were my focal points when I was on the meds to cover my emotions. Those are hard moments and its harder at night.

I feel like someone took me out of the freezer I have been in for 9 months this year and threw me on the counter and I am defrosting. I am becoming me again and I starting to notice small things being off these horrible meds for almost 72 hours. My brain feels less foggy, and I feel normal in a way that is old familiar. I am also "feeling emotions" which I would have covered in a second with pain meds.

I am defrosting and under all that ice is the person I used to be, waiting to LIVE.

I say this.. something as simple as pain meds for a bad shoulder could change a life and it did. I cannot believe that I let something like this take over my life, but it's not about what I let take over my life, it's about what I am doing now.

When I show up to the clinic and see all these people, I think to myself, these people aren't bad, they are here because like me they are saying YES to them and NO to the lie! I should be proud to be there, not ashamed!

I have to say, everyone at the clinic is very nice! They have treatment plan counselors, and the nurses there are super nice! JJ is the director and he is SUPER cool! The woman at the windows who give the meds are very nice and ask you how you are doing and if you have any concerns.

I am treated with respect which is nice, and rightfully so.. it takes a lot of courage to really do something "good" for myself to get me healthy.

JJ described to me that going on methadone treatment to get off pain meds is like insulin for a diabetic.. your body is reacting to something its missing and we are replacing that missing stuff to rid the bad stuff, and when the bad stuff is out, we taper off the other stuff.

it made me feel a little better when he said that.

So.. going into DAY 3 should be interesting .. I have CASA class and its 2 hours after my morning dose.. I pray to GOD that my body handles it a little better than it did today, or it's going to make for an interesting CASA class.

Thank you to all who are following this journey. It's nice to know that I am now going into day 3 of the pain meds leaving my system.

day 3 .. BRING IT..