Very few of you know how hard this past year and 8 months has been for me. Very few of you know just how hard I have been working in the past couple of months, and very few know just how painful that has been for me.
Very few of you also know about the isolation I have put myself through in this hardness and how much of my life I have put on hold because of the pain I have gone through.
Those who know also know how hard I have been working in therapy and my healing in trying to overcome the painful situation that really pulled me inward this year.
For those who don't know, I hide behind my strength very well; one of the many great tools I learned as a child.
One of the many struggles I have faced this year is finding comfort in pain meds again, and how much that has really distorted my sense of self.
There are a few that do know that I struggled with this for many years before, and I have also over-come.
It's not easy to admit that I let the hardness re-chain me to the lie that comes with being addicted to pain medicine, and I am ready to break these chains that have tied me up once again - no more!
2 years ago I became accidentally addicted to pain medication when I hurt my shoulder lifting weights. I found out what it was like to have something make you feel so worthy and good inside and I quickly took a liking to it. It became my friend and something I could take when things inside hurt more than the power to talk about them.
I over-came that addiction and took the courageous steps needed in moving forward.
It was a painful painful recovery, but I fought through it and got control of my life again - until I was faced with one of the hardest things I have ever gone through last year and the comfort of these pills found me again when I fell down the stairs last October and tore my rotator cuff and the doctor prescribed me unlimited hydrocodone for my pain, although it wasn't the physical pain I was covering, it was the emotional pain.
For the past 2 months I have been eating, breathing and sleeping these pain meds and covering the real pain that is here. I have been covering who I truly am just to not feel the pain I feel inside everyday.
Every time I wake up from a bad nightmare and a crying spell I take a pill. Every time I feel emotions coming on, I take a pill. Every time I feel unworthy because of the stalking and the watching I went through, I take a pill. Everytime I am faced with the hard past at the surface I take one or two or even 3 pills.
One after another, after another and before I knew it, I was up to 10 pills a day!
.... and here I am, tied to a lie that provides what? maybe a half hour of relief, and the kicker? the pain is still here waiting for me to feel, face and heal it. it never goes away, its here and this week I really realized just how HERE this pain is, and how its never going to go away unless I truly look at it and stop covering it.
I have isolated myself this whole year because of what happened and I am ready to BREAK THESE CHAINS and find the freedom and the empowerment once and for all!
I haven't gone to church since Easter, and everyone knows that I am a JUGGERNAUT of faith!
I haven't spent any time with my close friends like I used to.
I have shut everyone out in my life personally; even my own family at times.
I have spent a lot of time alone because I don't know how to be around people and explain to them how hard things are and what I am going through.
All the things I used to love doing, I have stopped doing.
I haven't gone to the gym in 6 months; a place I used to live at because I loved lifting weights.
I haven't sat in one coffee house at all this year; another thing I enjoyed doing at least once a week with friends.
I have surrendered myself to the pain trying to cover it pill by pill, all the while losing myself in the midst of it all.
The one thing that I didn't allow this year to take from me was my healing in therapy, and even that was close to being taken down along side everything else. I kept fighting and fighting for that glimmer of hope. It was the only rope to hold onto that had hope behind it - maybe the answer to what I was going through.
My therapist and I have never given up - boxing gloves and all, and we have truly worked hard by showing up and paving the path before me, and now it's time to walk that path that is ready for me.
Thursday morning I begin whats called "Methadone Treatment" to withdraw from the pain medication in my system.
Methadone is a very well known treatment regimen for people who have been on pain medications for a long time who need to come off of it while minimizing the pain of the withdrawals. Its safe while being done in an outpatient fashion.
My husband is coming with me Thursday morning at 6:30am and do an intake evaluation that will take about 2 hours, and I will be given my first dose of Methadone to start the process of detox and to rid my system of the horrible toxins that have taken over my life this whole year.
I have done a lot of research on this treatment and it's the best treatment with hardly any pain at all. I can live my life while I am in the process of detoxing. People have talked about how better they feel and how much their life starts to fill with color.
once my body is rid of the toxins I then tapper off the methadone and my life will be restored to where it was if not BETTER.
I will have to go to this treatment center every morning to get treatment until I build a level in my system to where I can take it home and continue treatment on my own.
I am scared because I don't know what to fully expect, but this is the right thing to do! I have already met the wonderful people at this treatment center and there are tonz of people to support.
I have a lot of support on my side. My husband, my kids, my wonderful therapist who probably knows more than anyone why this has been a struggle for me this year, and when someone knows, you feel less alone.
I haven't spoken about this struggle with the pain meds to anyone this year because when you don't see it as a problem, how can I let anyone else know its a problem? but now it's a problem because I see how much its getting in the way of me living, and not only living, but being able to see the pain I am in so I can heal it FULLY.
These pain meds that I have been on have been a lie! It shows me and tells me what I want to hear and see, but once it wears off, the hurt and the pain is right there waiting for me and now its time to face it and and get my life back.
The beauty of methadone treatment is, it takes away the urge and the effects of pain meds therefor allowing me to fully recover without any relapses.
it's incredibly hard to admit that something has taken over my life in this way, but with it's hardness comes it courage and empowerment, and that is what I am finding by saying YES to me and NO to the lie!