Earlier today I was fighting a battle between accepting something that was offered to me and feeling worthy of it vs feeling dependent and unworthy of what was offered to me. Today in therapy I sat and read my therapist something I wrote last night that kept me up till 3am.
It was huge, vulnerable, filled with truth and raw emotions. It was one of the hardest things I have ever written and even harder to read aloud - but it was healing and good at the same time.
My therapist told me how proud he was of me, how excited he was that I was able to articulate deep emotions that I have held onto for months now and finally understanding why they are here, and accepting they are here.
It helped him to understand some things that I really struggled with, and now that he understands, he wants to help and be supportive in that understanding.
You would think I would leave session with this huge relief off my shoulders, but in fact I left therapy feeling worse and it's because I allowed myself to be open and heard, and sometimes when we are open and heard, we want to be "IN" that goodness and forward momentum.
We open ourselves us, and it takes time to close it just enough to not hurt and see its healing happening. I left open, and something that was so beautiful and good still hurt like a fresh wound.
My therapist called me later on in the day to see how I was doing, and to remind me of how proud he was and how in awe he was of what I read to him today and the risk I took in allowing the young part to be present.
He then asked me if I wanted to come into session tomorrow morning "on my usual day off".. and when he said that, I lost my breath and couldn't breathe! I had this feeling come over me fearing dependency and need, or being overwhelmed with the thought of why he was asking me if I wanted to come in on my day off.
"Does he think I need it? "why does he want me to come in on my day off" and the cycle of old thoughts began to swirl round and round. I got scared and told him that I had to really think about it, and all my struggles came crashing together like a freight train!
He then slowed me down and helped me to understand why he was offering me to come in .. not to work, but to have support.
He offered extra support for me to come in tomorrow so that we wont lose the forward momentum of this huge huge thing that we moved through today.
He wanted to give me the chance to be supported and heard more.
He wanted to give me the space to talk more about how important this paper was that I read to him, he even mentioned that I was worthy of being supported after a hard hard session.
I slowed down my thought process and said "OK, I am going to think about it. I am going to pray about it, think about how this would help me, or how it may not help me, maybe even weigh out the pros and cons"
I already go to therapy 4 days a week, Thursday is my usually day off, and we both work extremely hard even outside of therapy with phone calls and Sunday emails. Thursday is my decompression day - sometimes needed.
I told him I would think about it, and text him later on.
The battle between being worthy and the fear of dependency was right there at the surface. Would coming in on my day off create a wonderful connection and momentum on the great work we did today, or would it cause me to disconnect feeling it's too dependent to show up on my day off.
I sat with it and then it hit me. I was being offered SUPPORT! I was being offered connection, support, care and comfort around a very big session that was fulled with HUGE vulnerability around my past that really brought some old painful things to the surface and he wanted to support me.
That isn't dependency.. that is support! I wasn't being asked to work, I was being asked to just show up and accept.
Why not? why not show up tomorrow and allow support?
Maybe this is God's way of showing me that I don't just have to show up to therapy to work, I can show up just to be supported and heard and talked to as a form of comfort.
Maybe I am worthy of that time for me, because this was hard and I deserve peace and goodness out of the hard session today.
So I texted my therapist back tonight and told him yes! I am willing to show up for me and my worthiness and not see it as dependence, and now I am actually really looking forward to it.
My therapist texted me back saying "GREAT KAREN! I am glad you are choosing you!"
I am looking forward to showing up and just being; walking in and sitting on the couch with my therapist and just accept the company and connection. I look forward to the dialog knowing that we can talk about anything that is here.
I look forward to showing up because it wasn't planned, it was offered! It wasn't my name written on the calendar as the norm, this is something different that was offered to me.
I look forward to writing about this healing experience tomorrow and seeing where it lands - and even though I am not working, I am sure there is still healing happening in the acceptance around my worthiness.
I hope I can carry this momentum of worthiness around with me all day tomorrow, and if I don't, at least I did for a little while, and that is good enough!