"Sometimes you don't realize the weight of something you've been carrying until you feel the weight of its release"
I was holding onto some really big things (emotions about something) for almost a year that I didn't share with my therapist, well he knew, but he didn't know the extent of how hard it was, or what I was holding onto so heavily.
I shared it with him in session yesterday. I sat with him, and showed him some things, read him some things, and he sat there holding his hand over his heart area holding his breath.
There were tears as we moved through talking about these very hard things that I was holding, and I never realized just how heavy these burdens were until I released them.
My therapist said to me "I really understand now how much you have been holding and that breaks my heart and makes me sad" and I felt the same way. I didn't realize how big it was, until I felt the release of it being out and off me.
Today I have walked around in this huge relief of release, but at the same time really feelings the effect of how sad something was that i was holding onto. I didn't allow myself to feel those things I was holding until I let it go and be heard and known.
I didn't feel it's effects until I saw and heard my therapists feelings around it, and accepted that it was big, it was sad and it was hard, but it was also no longer something I had to carry around myself.
The blessing and the curse: letting something big be known that is hard, and the curse is letting something big be known that is hard. There are beautiful feelings of release that I no longer have to be alone in this, and then the curse is feeling the emotions tied to the things I held inside for over a year.
My therapist said its almost like grieving, you can also grieve emotions you held on for so long as well, it's a process not an event.
So as I read the quote today, I got chills.... WOW does that hit home or what? I am sitting here feeling the weight of the release of feelings I held alone and at the same time its sad and heavy, but a good sad and heavy.
I can now allow myself to talk about it anytime I need to without feeling as if I have to carry it alone. The known holds so much power over the unknown.
The blessing and the curses of healing - its painful at first to move through something hard, but then feeling the pain causes a healing of feeling better inside. What amazing concept.
So tonight as I sit here, I am feeling a little lighter in the heaviness of the release. I have a weekend filled with many good things. I have my CASA class tomorrow morning, I plan to do some writing and relaxing and giving myself the okay that if sadness shows up in the wake of letting hard emotions be seen and known - that its okay and I have wonderful support all around me - my family, friends, my wonderful therapist and those who connect with me here in my writing.
What a beautiful and true quote!