Today in session my therapist gave me a card (photo of the left), yes a card. The kind of card you buy at the store, you write something in it, put a name on the envelope and hand it to the person you care about. When he handed it to me this morning, I went into this anxiety ridden panic! I felt flushed and confused and didn't know what to do - I think I even stuttered! I think my inner thoughts were "wait, what? is that a card?"
He sat next to me, gently put it on the couch between us, and I slide it back towards him and said "That's a card, I can't open that, why are you giving me a card?"
... and for the first time my therapist saw exactly what I go through in the difficulty of acceptance and the embarrassment I have when someone gives something to me out of love and care.
We took a moment to talk about the difficulty in accepting, and as we moved through it together, I took the card and opened it - accepted it.
It was the kind of card that was blank so that he could write his own words in the card, and the words he wrote were a reflection of the hard work I am doing, and many other wonderful words that I would rather keep between us as something personal.
As I sat there and read it, I had tears! I am not used to people just giving me something out of the blue without their being a reason... but today I found acceptance as I read the words written in the card for me.
I was touched and I was honored, and I cried and gave him a big hug of thank you for something so authentic and real from the bottom of his heart.
We write emails, we text, we have sessions during the week, we work hard, we write things on paper, but this was a whole different kind of connection and all I had to do was accept.
Reading that card created an energy in the room to where I felt no weight or walls, no silence behind old messages 2:00? what 2:00?
I was open to the acceptance and it allowed me to also talk through my whole session about everything on my heart, mind and soul of what I am going through inside right now.
I have to say, it was a beautiful moment for me. I's not everyday that I can accept and be open and vulnerable at the same time.
This card wasn't given to me to learn from or to heal around, or a form of "making" me accept .. this was simply something nice he wanted to do for me, and for me to fully accept it as it is. He wanted me to have the words he wrote, hold onto them, accept them as a part of our work together.
I truly am blessed for the wonderful therapist I have. I thank God everyday for the path he put me on to my healing.
We are using this card also as a gauge to the hard work I am doing right now. I am going through some really tough times emotionally with the surfaced emotions that have been here for months and months, and this will be a great reminder that when we are working on hard hard things, I can take this card out and let it be a reminder that if I can accept, I can also allow myself to be vulnerable to the hardness I am going through, and that is OKAY!
When session was over, I sat in the car and read it again and cried! it was the most meaningful thing that my therapist has ever done for me, and the fact that I accepted it was huge movement for me.
I look forward to showing up to therapy tomorrow and using this as a reminder; a reminder that I can accept all the goodness in front of me, even when things are TRULY hard for me, and even when things are TRULY good for me.
I got a good look at how hard it was for me to first accept that card today, and that is the very reason why I am here, healing, and finding empowerment over the old messages of "I am NOT worth it" to "I am worth EVERY bit of it".
Like my therapist always says "healing is a process, not an event".