About 2 years ago I was in the hospital getting treatment for my heart, and at the same time detoxing from pain medication that I was on, and it was a painful process both physically and emotionally. While I was in the hospital for those 4 days, this man name Troy came by and talked to me. He was a hospital counselor who talked and help those who were coming off pain medication because it not only takes a physical toll on you, but also emotionally.
He would come by and talk to me every morning for the 4 days I was there. I still think he was the voice of God because everything he said sank so deep inside; like it was meant for me.
He was well aware of my therapist and we talked a lot about my healing journey. I really felt like this wonderful man Troy really treated me not as someone who had went through a life of hardship or pain, but as a person who was a mom, a wife, a friend, a healer, a child of God.
One of the mornings he stopped by to see me, he said to me "all of your scars and wounds are like windows that you can open up anytime and look into, and then close it when you need it to heal".
When he told me that, it sent chills up my back and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and to this day, even 2 years later, I have not stopped thinking about those very words and today I use them in my healing.
I have scars, many scars, but instead of looking at them as marks that are healed over with skin, I have learned how to open each scar, look inside, learn about it, feel it, understand it, have feelings about it, and then close it like a window - to heal.
My therapist and I have used this wisdom a lot in my healing. I am no longer feared by my scars, but rather I look at them as opportunities to heal.
Each scar both physical and emotional - I have the choice to look into them. I never had the choice when the scar was put on me, but today it is my choice how I open it, and heal from it.
I never thought that my scars could be like windows that open and close. I always saw my scars and wounds as pain, shame, guilt, embarrassment, hurt and anger all closed in and trapped like the silence I lived in my whole life - I never saw them as little openings to my healing like letting butterflies out of a trapped jar to freedom.
My therapist and I have been working hard on looking at each wound and scar that I hold deep inside by opening it and letting the inside be seen and heard and then have the opportunity to close it knowing that at any time - I have the choice to look back into it as something I have healed not because of a natural physical process that a wound goes through, but as something I opened and closed by choice.
We spend so much time trying to cover scars and wounds, that we never stop to think that those very scars and wounds are the openings to our healing.
Those scars and wounds were put on us not by our choice; but the choice that is now ours and how we wear those scars and wounds.
Looking into each painful wound has been SO hard for me, but each time now that I go back to that same wound, I notice that it gets smaller and smaller not in size, but in depth of its healing.
The scar will always be there and be seen - but the pain inside will be healed by the choice we made to look into it and at it.
I often think about that moment that man Troy came in and sat on my bed and shared with me this wonderful wisdom, and I am still convinced it was God's way of showing me how to heal the pain of every wound I carry around with me.