making my way back

tumblr_mppsib5Ypr1rzbas4o1_500My blog has been down a little over a week (10 days) and I have to say it has been the most miserable 10 days I have ever had. I felt lost, I felt unfulfilled, I felt like I had no outlet or connection. In the past 10 days I have really done some thinking about what it is I want, how I can delegate my time better, how I can write and not be afraid of last year repeating itself. How I can connect and also have time to focus on my forward movement in the new things I have going on in my life?

I am excited to say that I am putting my blog back up and I am going to continue to write when I feel the need to connect, and not feeling as if I have to write for the sake of writing.

In therapy the past couple of days I cried because I felt this hole in my heart from not writing. I have been writing since I was 5 years old and I feel my reasons for shutting down the blog are more damaging to my self than it is helping. I thought it was what I needed and wanted, but after being gone from it for 10 days, I noticed I was starting to isolate more and become withdrawn.

I really appreciate those who have stood by me the many times I have shut the blog and put it back up. I don't think anyone truly realizes how hard this has been for me since last year. It was a very difficult situation and when you are put in a place where you are trying to find empowerment over fear at the same time, sometimes the fear takes over the strength.

I truly believe that I can make putting my blog back up an empowerment rather than a fear being led to eat me up. I truly believe there is a reason I struggle with this, and there is certainly healing happening on both ends. I have gotten a lot of emails from people who have asked me to put my blog back up because they missed it, but I found myself not wanting to do it because of that, but for myself.

In these 10 days I have really come to realize just how much writing is a part of my life. It was my voice and outlet at 5 years old and being silent for the past 10 days really made me feel and hold that this is where I belong - writing and connecting with others and at the same time, finding the empowerment over all the fear that last year brought to me..

I am excited and anticipatory ... I am many things right now and I look forward to slowly bringing this back into my life and a part of my healing.

I am a believer that God gives us gifts. I believe we all have purpose to do what it is that we are meant to do, and writing and connecting I feel is something I was meant to do - just like the CASA training. It's a calling and I hate to think that calling would be driven by fear. I wont let it.. not ever again.