Have you ever experienced a moment to where you wanted something so much, you fought for it, struggled for it, anticipated it, couldn't wait for it, and when you finally got it, you wanted to disconnect from it? Have you ever been so vulnerable to the point that it felt good, but then you realized how good it felt and you disconnected from it?
have you ever struggled to get inside, and when you finally got inside you wanted out? or wanted so badly to get out, but then you want back in?
I had an experience this past Friday of feeling so connected that I disconnected.
last Thursday was my first day back to therapy after a week break because my therapist was out of town. sadly enough to say a week off from therapy is quite a break seeing I go to therapy 4 days a week - but sometimes these breaks are very well needed and honored.
When I returned last Thursday my therapist and I had one of the best sessions we have had in over 6 1/2 years, which is very odd because I tend to disconnect from others when there is time off, or people go away.
I felt connected, open, vulnerable, and free! I felt safe, heard, comforted and supported! My therapist agrees when I say "that was one of my favorite sessions".
When I showed up to therapy the next day (Friday), my therapist and I had the expectation to show up big with the same big energy so we could "work" more on the vulnerability that was showing up in session Thursday. I showed up and I shut down. I got quiet, I got a little heavy in the weight I call "fear". I was confused and sad that the connection wasn't the same as the day before - maybe even a little angry.
We had these plans of using this great connection and vulnerability to work on the hard painful stuff that is surfaced! We were both excited that the connection was so great the day before that we were going to use this as a stepping stone to push both of us up and over the wall towards the hard stuff that has been hindering me in the past year or so.
I sat there Friday confused, and my therapist sat with me hand in hand just as confused as to what was going on inside of me - and I realized in that very moment of what was happening. I was so connected that I disconnected.
When I am connected I become vulnerable, and when I am vulnerable I am open about the things that usually have walls surrounding it. I think I felt so connected and open Thursday that I disconnected out of fear of being.
There is a blessing and a curse to being connected- you are open but yet you are open - both scary and vulnerable.
I think I put such an expectation on myself to stay in that same connection that I created disconnect.
When I was little I was much like the same way. I would become overwhelmed if anyone was loving and caring towards me because it felt too open - too vulnerable. I was used to being neglected and abused, and so when I connected to anyone in a "good" way, it almost felt too overwhelming. I imagine that is how I felt in session last week - I felt "SO" connected I disconnected out of being overwhelmed with a feeling I am not used to.
Leave it to me to think deep, but this is how it feels. Its amazing what an abusive horrible past can do to a person even 35 years later. I am over 40 and I am still struggling with connection and disconnection.
So I thought about it and talked to my therapist about it and I will try my hardest to let it be okay that connection is BIG and HERE! I will try not to revert back to old messages and try and not see the connection as dangerous or overwhelming, but to see it as something that is meant to be supportive and healing.
The more and more I realize the difference between the past and the now, the more I realize just how hurt I was and how many wounds I still need to heal. BUT I am healing and I am moving towards the fullness of life!
Healing is hard, but it's a path worth taking. SOMEDAY I will look back on this and not forget the past, but look at it at something I have overcome as empowering.
I look at the photo of the butterflies in the jar.. they are connected but at the same time they want out .. much like our life, we are always looking for something else other than what we have .. and maybe it's okay just to stay in the glass sometimes and be connected.