Connection has always been a struggle for me between feeling really connected and staying in that connection, to feeling disconnected from the world to protect myself from getting hurt. I go back to therapy this Thursday after a week off due to my therapist doing "Male Survivor" and I managed to hold onto that connection for the first 4 days, and then I started to revert back to my old ways of closing in, shutting down.
This goes WAY back to my childhood and it still holds on tight to me no matter how many times I try to heal this part of my past.
When I was little my mom left me at a woman's house "Mr's Bell" (a very good and close friend of the family that watched me a lot) and when my mom would drop me off, I spent a good half hour sitting at the window crying already pining away that my mom was gone and wondering when she was going to return.
There were many times I wouldn't play with the other kids there- but instead stood at the window watching each car go by hoping it was hers.
After years and years of going through that, I got used to waiting at the window, and I got used to taking care of myself. I forced myself to be dependent on myself. I got used to being sent away to another person's house and I found myself disconnecting from my mom even before she dropped me off preparing myself for the feelings that were about to come.
In fact, I got to the point of disconnection that I didn't care to be sent to someone's house anymore - I expected it and took care of my own bleeding wounds inside that it caused.
Today that has been a huge struggle in my work in therapy and in my life. I struggle with it so much that I can't even think of "depending on another person". I fear dependency on another in fear I will be hurt.
My therapist has struggled to keep me connected to him and the work especially when there is a week break like this past week.
I sometimes disconnect myself before the break in therapy so that I put the walls up and ready for the actual break. But this time I didn't disconnect myself, I actually talked about it with him, stayed connected, and even did an art project with my therapist that I wrote about in my last blog (us sharing the paper of words).
This past Sunday I started to disconnect. Those old old familiar feelings started to creep in, and I started to pull away from the people around me. I started to revert back to old habits of getting silent and shying away from writing, texting, and staying connected to everyone around me.
So instead, I emailed my therapist and he brought me back out of disconnection. Instead of reverting back to total silence, I noticed it, pushed through, and reached out.
I texted my good friend Tina and wished her a good day and asked her how she was. I asked my husband out for lunch. I stay grounded as BEST as I could to not allow myself to "wait at the window in disconnection" like I did as a child. I allowed myself to miss my therapist and his caring wisdom. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to "wanting" to be connected to others.
It's amazing what the past can do to us and how it frames our mind for so long into our adulthood. I have always struggled with disconnection and connection. The fear of waiting at the window in pain and disconnecting as being as a result of that and not feeling the pain of being left a lone.
So I sit here today, and I am connected ... 6 days and I am connected. I didn't allow myself to go to that place by the window and disconnect my feelings.. instead I held onto the connection like flower; knowing it's mine to keep, hold and cherish as being worthy of that connection.
My therapist sent me a text today and reminded me of the paper we both hold and that made me smile. I had lunch with my husband and ate a good meal, I reached out to my friend Tina and Tracy, and I am here, connecting and not allowing the past to repeat itself to its old ways of survival - instead surviving in the connection with others.