the power of voice

child sexual abuse picI am using this as my 5 minute friday word today which is {SMALL} A Small Girl with a big voice!

I saw this photo today and it made all the hair on the back of my neck stand!

I got goose bumps on my arms, and even had a small tears - because I know what this photo represents, and I know what it means.

It brings me to the place where I truly believe the healing is NOT found in forgetting, but healing is found in remembering and giving that memory the power to be heard.

When I walked into therapy 6 1/2 years ago I thought that healing was about trying to find ways to forget the abuse I had endured. I thought my therapist was going to have this magic wand, or hypnotize me, or even have the magic powers to snap his fingers and my memory would be erased from the horrible abuse I went through as a child.

Okay - yes that was probably a childish thing to think - or maybe even an inner hope - but then there was also the logical side of me that knew deep inside that the healing was found in the voice, not the silence of the abuse.

This photo clearly shows the adult having the control, and today the control is found is giving voice to the very thing that was taken away - my voice - my emotions - my rights.

35 years I sat in silence to what happened to me, and there have been times I have said to my therapist "I wish I could wake up and have my mind erased of these images that trigger me" .. but in real, as much as I hate to admit this, when I feel the pain, and see the images, and talk about what is going on inside of me, I truly feel a shifting healing, and that is where the power is.

some-days are harder than others. Last week I went through a week of such deep depression over a trigger I had and I don't wish it on my worst enemy, but because of that hard week, because of that deep place I was in, it brought me to an understanding of why, and what it was that needed to heal. I gave my sadness and pain voice, and using that voice I was heard, and when I was heard I was understood, and in that understanding was support, and in that support was someone who could help me see what I couldn't see past all that pain I was feeling.

There have been times in therapy where I felt like there was this hue weight inside of me and my voice was cut off, and that wasn't my fear of speaking, it was fear of the control that was over me for so long as a child. Being silenced as a child had so much power over me that when you try to break that silence, it's unfamiliar and scary - even painful on many levels.

I created this blog over 3 years ago, and although it has had its up's and downs, and I have been violated many times even in my place if healing, I still come back here when I need to heal, because healing is found in the voice - a voice I never had as a child when I needed to be heard the most.

I look around and I see all these wonderful blogs of people coming out about the abuse they endured as children; now adult survivors and I am honored and in awe of the power behind what voice gives.

Some people don't even realize that when they use their voice, they are actually healing and there is power behind that.

I am back and forth working on my book "alone in the closet - my journey to heal from child sexual abuse" and even though it's been hard to write the chapters of the book and sometimes I have had to put it down because it was too painful - I know in the end it will be healing not only for me, but for others as well.

I encourage people to talk about the abuse they went through, you are taking back the very thing that was taken from you as a child - YOUR VOICE - YOUR EMOTIONS - YOUR RIGHTS!... and for those who still struggle with it, trust that there is healing on the other side - I know, I am there right now healing the wounds that were put upon me, but taking back the control by using the very thing they "thought" they could take from me - to NO avail!

I am blessed to be a part of a community of people who can finally stand and connect with others, and this photo reminded me of just that.