I am back from the beautiful trip I took to the ocean with my family and I am now ready to walk towards healing head on. I am ready to face this hardness head on - whatever it takes! It's been a great 4 days at the ocean with my family, and I have done a lot of thinking in these 4 days.
I have thought about the tough isolation I have been in for almost a year now. I have thought about facing my fears in this new step my therapist and I are taking in my healing. I have thought about my hopes and dreams and wishes that I see on the other side of this isolation and fear I have been in and I am ready; ready to walk towards my healing in a whole new way.
While I was at the beach I felt connected; the most connected I have felt in a very long time while being away from home. I stayed in connection with my therapist, I stayed in connection with my family and friends, but the one struggle I did have was staying connected to myself, and I know why - it's about the work going forward and being a little scared of what I may feel or see.
My therapist and I have a plan.. we have a plan to face what has been surfaced for almost a year head on and we begin tomorrow with our long session. We plan to knock down walls, and I am not alone in this. This time I have someone holding the sledge-hammer with me, but I need to be the one to break down the wall first and trust that I am surrounded by love and support to help me break the parts that are hardest.
I think it's a blessing that I had these 4 days of peace and serenity at the beach. I think this was a way to find some peace before the darkest of dawn. Like my therapist told me today "you are not feeling connected to yourself because you know what is ahead, it's the darkest before dawn and that is hard to face"
He's right, it's scary, but I know this is where the healing takes place. NO MORE being stuck in this isolation place. NO MORE letting this surfaced past drag me into a dark place of isolation.. it ends now!
My therapist really wants to try working with the "right hand left hand" inner young part work again. He feels there is something deep inside wanting an out and this is what to reaching that. AS scary as this sounds and as much as I hate working with the inner young part, I think he is right, and I trust that he will take me down a path where healing will be, and not more isolation. I trust Andy, and know that I need to somehow lean on this and trust that this is where the healing begins and the pain ends.
I had a wonderful 4 days at the beach. I broke down and cried so hard last night after being home from the beach 6 hours, and I think a part of that was just a sadness that I was leaving a place where no expectations were on me, no hard work, no pain, no being fearful of being watched by anyone.. just me the ocean and my family and it was hard to be back in this place of hard work and sadness.
BUT like my therapist Andy said, "this place you are in now is NOT the place you are going to stay, we are going to move you out of this place and back into the place where God has intended you to be"
have I mentioned how great my therapist is and his wisdom? he is wonderful and I am blessed to have such wonderful support.
Like the quote says above "until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed". I have been healing for years now, but it's when you truly face the hardest fears is when healing truly takes place.