Today in session I decided to let go of the fight to make something different NOW, and instead be with what is and let that be the healing guide going forward. Most of you know that I have had a very tough year this year. I have gone through a lot of self isolation, and I have been working so incredibly hard to move out of the many things that last year surfaced for me that were hard.
And although it's been a needed healing process, it's been a slow and hard process.
Sometimes I want something to feel better right now! I will sometimes say to my therapist Andy "ok what can we do to make it better now, I want something to change right now" and not realizing it, it's not about a "doing"it's about "being".
Today in session instead of looking for a way out of the hard and making some master plan on how I will do that, I decided to just let today be with no plan, and believe it or not, it felt good to not put an expectation on myself to be at this place or that place or feel this way or that way.
My therapist and I sat together today and just talked about the now, heal the now, fight for the now, and eventually the "doing" part will happen on its own.
I saw this quote today and it made so much sense.. the quote:
"you must first realize the prison of your mind before you can escape it".
Sometimes we need to understand the place we are in before we can move forward out of it. For me I want something to feel better now, sometimes not realizing that even in the now healing is happening it just doesn't feel like it at first.
Have you ever been on a plane and you look out the window and look down at the small world you are flying over and you feel like your moving very slow, but yet the plane is actually going over 500mph? I look at my healing journey like that.. it's hard to see that you are moving when you are moving so fast, but your moving.
I have been in therapy working with my therapist for 6+ years now, and sometimes I need to step back and see where I was in order to see how different things are now, and it's amazing how far I have come, and in those moments it's so important to honor the now in this moment more than ever, because it only sets up for something to change going forward.
There are some-days I just throw my hands up in frustration or sadness, and then there are the days I am blessed and so incredibly elated that I moved through something so hard that healed yet another wound.
Today instead of thinking of fixing something now, or making something good happen now, I sat with what was here and I noticed that I feel a lot lighter, more free, and more willing to be gentle with myself in the hard moments when they come through the day.
My therapist said to me today "by you allowing yourself to be with what is in this moment instead of looking for something to feel better right now, gives me an openness to be by your side without the desperateness to get you out of the hard feelings in the very moment"
It makes sense .. because instead of my therapist having the pressure to get me out of a hard feeling or moment, he was able to be present with me and hear me, and help me move along in the moment, and I have to say it was healing on SO MANY levels today.
This healing journey of mine has many many paths that are good, hard, sad, frustrating, moments of despair, moments of joy and happiness and in order to heal and move forward I need to honor and feel all of it - even the worst at times.
Sometimes it's not about doing, it's about being and that is what today was for me.
Don't run too far from your shadow, because you need it to see where you are.