What is hope? where does hope come from? How do we find it within us? How do we accept it and use it to move forward in the hardness of life? Hope has always been an anchor to my healing, to my drive forward to move out of the many things I went through as a child.
I believe hope is a gift from God, and he plants it deep inside of us, and I believe it's up to us to use that gift in a way to move forward - out of the dark that finds us.
My therapist told me a long long time ago when I was angry with God about the life I had, and what he said made a difference to me, he said "God is here for us in Minimum protection, but maximum support" - meaning, God cannot control what the free will of others do, but he can support us in the pain that is created from the free will of others.
I believe that is what Hope is. I believe Hope is a gift from God-given to us to use as a guide to push and help us through the hard moments.
When I was little hope was found in the sunspots on the floor that provided me a place to lay and pray and "hope" that this day would be better than the day before. I knew God was there and listening and that gave me more hope.
Hope was found in the white pieces of paper that provided me space to write my feelings in "hope" that it would be seen and heard.
Hope was found in the small space called my closet that held all the things were created from hope, and those are the very things I held onto as a child.
Today I still hold onto hope. I still take those gifts from God as a sign of him saying "I can't stop the pain, but I can comfort you with hope that the sun will shine in the darkness, and this pain will not last forever.
Today, my hope is found when I wake and hope that 2:00 isn't as hard, or that this will be the day I move out of the hard spaces that find me.
Today hope is found in using my voice bigger than the day before, or leaning in towards my support without guilt or shame.
Today hope is found in my writing that my words will help others which also help me to move forward in my own hardness in letting people know "you are not alone, and neither am I".
Hope is the voice inside that tells me if I just turn my head slightly to the right or the left, I will see something to grab a hold of and move out of the impossible, and move towards the possible.
My therapist often asks me "how do you get through the hard moments?" "what keeps you showing up time after time in the hard?" and my answer is always "hope".
Hope is God, God wakes me up every morning and gives me the small feeling inside that if I put one foot in front of the other, that will lead me down a path to where God is waiting for me to see the light out of the darkness when the days seem so hard.
From the moment I wake up in the morning, when I get that very sad doom feeling of "how will I fight through today with all my triggers and sadness? its HOPE and the moment I realize I still have that hope, I get up and receive it's gift.
I could not get through this process of healing without hope. It's my driving force. it's the anchor to my soul and a voice from God saying "you can do this, I have faith in you and you are loved by me".
For me, I need to have something in front of me to grab a hold of in order to keep holding onto what I am holding onto. It's like being on monkey bars. You start off by grabbing one bar, and in order to get to the other side, you have to keep grabbing onto the next bar right? well that is hope.. hope is found in the very things in front of you, you just need to grab a hold of it to move forward.
The day I lose hope, is the day I stop breathing. I don't believe any of us can move forward without hope. We all have hope inside of us, and just as the child I was holding onto hope, I still hold onto that hope today.
When you wake in the morning and you feel that very small feeling of sadness or doom, look for the other voice inside of you that says "you can, and you will get through this".. that is God giving you hope... grab a hold of it and use it as best as you can.
Some days are harder than others, and the hope feels a little further away, and those are the days I lean on my support to remind me of where that hope is when it seems a little cloudy.
Today in session, I had to realize something hard and painful in order to find and see more hope out of it, but in that it drew me closer to my work in therapy, to my therapist and most importantly myself... and what got me to that point of realization was the hope that woke me up and said "today will be another step; you just have to trust it's there, and God is handing it to you".
THAT is hope .... and I am finding it more and more everyday, even in the deepest and darkest of pain, hope is always there.