I have written about this many times on my blog, but today it feels so different. When I left session today and sat in my car for 10 minutes in tears from the hard work I did, one line from the bible verse came to mind and that is from 2 Corinthians 12:9
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"
I struggle with feeling as if I am more accepted when I am strong.
I struggle in feeling as if I have to be strong in order to be supported.
I feel, the stronger I am, the more people will walk towards me, and if I am weak, people may be afraid or don't know how to help me.
I lived in constant fear of being weak as a child. Emotions of any kind were restricted, and covered in strength, and I have gone through my whole life believing that I need to always be strong. I have to be strong!
Yesterday in session I was vulnerable and very open in talking to my therapist and I felt strong because I was able to hold back my emotions, sit up tall, and find strength so much that when emotions tried to find me, I got up and left a few minutes early before allowing those emotions to emerge.
When I left session yesterday I felt horrible. I felt restricted in being strong even though I felt I was open and big and vulnerable with my words, but I still felt like I was holding the world on my shoulders.
Of course I was holding the world on my shoulders, I was being strong, because strong heals .. or does it?
Today in session I wasn't as strong, or maybe I was and just didn't know it. I was open about something big and I had tears, actually more than tears, I was crying and felt every emotion in that openness and even leaned on my therapist in those tears. And even though it felt a little dependent to me, something about it felt strong when I left. I felt different, like the world wasn't as heavy as it was yesterday.
I still feel the world on my shoulders, but In that openness I feel less alone and I am heard in the weakness; which gave me a little more strength today.
I used to always write about finding my strength in weakness, and I always believed it, but today I really saw it and felt its impact on me when I left session.
I sat in my car today after session and had tears before leaving, but this time the tears were about being open in the weakness; knowing it gave me strength and I wanted to be supported in that instead of running away.
Being open with emotions is vulnerable and it's hard to find healing in vulnerability, but what my therapist helped me to realize today was - being weak isn't weak, being weak is being strong because you allow yourself to be seen and heard, and in that is healing.
I struggle with this back and forth, but today I let myself be weak, which strengthened me to a place where I feel I can talk about anything and all my feelings and emotions are welcomed, not pushed away.
I am sure there will be days I will testify against this, or I may not be at a place where weakness will find my strength, but I am far from where I was years ago in finding that strength out of the weakness.
I am still struggling with a lot of self isolation right now, it's been a hard hard year for me, but I am finding that the more I am weak, the stronger I become, and that is the only way out of this self isolation and into and back into the life I was once at before this hardness found me.